Thoughts of the Day

I remember nights where sleep came easy. I remember nights where, if tired, I could just hit the pillow, furrow inside of my sheets, and fall asleep. I remember nights were, whether there was someone else lying next to me or not, nighttime meant things were far away and I was safe, and the only thing that mattered at that moment was the blackness and warmth that my eyelids and mattress provided. Those nights are over.

My mom sometimes talks about how she can't sleep because she thinks too much. I now know what that feels like. There is so much to do, so much to think about - sometimes, as exhausted as I am, the last thing I want to do, the last thing I succeed at doing is sleeping. Money and school are the top things I think about - then, fears of failure, of the future, of love. What will happen by the end of the year? Will I be different? Will things be better, or worst? Where will I be living? Can I leave my mom alone in DC if Nati goes back to California? Could I live in a city by myself? Could I afford to live in New York and write for fun? Did I do the right thing by breaking up with Rob?

These are things I can push to the dark corners of my mind when I'm busy throughout the day, but they come crawling out, like mice from the darkness, when all is calm and warm.

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