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Susan Sarandon Spanking Pigs at Of Montreal Concert

I love Susan Sarandon. And I love Of Montreal.

I love theatrical concerts. And I love when WTF-moments occur seemingly out of nowhere.

The following was made just for me.

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Lindsey VS. Education Connection Girl

So, the other night, I was watching TV with my sister and her boyfriend Jijad and Jijad pointed out this girl in this annoying commercial looked freakishly like my friend and coworker Lindsey. I had been drinking something at the moment of this revelation, and nearly spit up through my nose it was so hilarious. So check it out.

Here is Lindsey:


And here is the commercial:

Is this her doppleganger or what? Read more!

Update: The Diva Playlist

For some reason, I've been really into chick pop lately. And it goes without saying that I've downloaded some Lady Gaga... thats more of a given being a gay man.

However, more shocking is how Beyoncé and Shakira have found their way onto my iPod (which is on the fritz as we speak, probably in large part because of the influx of divaness). So, in order to demonstrate the cultural identity crisis that my workout playlist has been undergoing, here it is, in full drag regalia and all:

1. Chromeo - "Night by Night"
2. France Joli - "Gonna Get Over You"
3. Girls - "Lust for Life"
4. Donna Allen - "Serious"
5. Metronomy - "A Thing For Me"
6. Black Peter Group - "Goody Two Shoes"
7. Katy Perry - "Hot and Cold"
8. Lady Gaga ft. Beyoncé - "Telephone"
9. Penguin Prison - "A Funny Thing"
10. Phoenix - "1901"
11. Taylor Swift - "You Belong to Me"
12. LMFAO - "Shots"
13. Avril Lavigne - "The Best Damn Thing"
14. Voxtrot - "Berlin, Without Return..."
15. Avril Lavigne - "Girlfriend"
16. Cut Copy - "Hearts on Fire"
17. Miami Horror - "Make You Mine"
18. Saves the Day - "Firefly"
19. The Presets - "This Boy's in Love"
20. Tiga - "You Gonna Want Me"
21. Shakira - "She Wolf"
22. The Walkmen - "The Rat"
23. Beyoncé - "Irreplaceable"
24. Britney Spears - "Toxic"
25. Weezer - "The Girl Got Hot"

Its like my soul inside of me is fighting an uphill battle against itself. What will prosper?

I think DC has done this to me.

But then I think about Melissa, and I'm like - damn, this girl has been like this her entire life. :) Love you, boo. Read more!

Gary Coleman Arrested Mugshot

Out of the long laundry list of celebs who have been arrested and who's mugshots have been released, Gary Coleman's is the most terrifying. Jeez - what was this guy thinking? He must have been hopped up on some pretty good drugs to not give a fuck, having known the repercussions of such a divalicious photograph. Tabloid Prodigy did a pretty good job discussing what it ACTUALLY looked like, with an example below.

Frank the rabbit from Donnie Darko

To check out the other look-a-likes, check out the full article here. Read more!

Electoral College Reform


Neil Freeman, an artist and urban planner, has come up with a cool and novel idea on how to reform the electoral college so that things are a bit more fair - he's redrawn the 50 states according to population, in order to limit or end overrepresentation of small states and under-representation of larger states. Its a pretty cool idea, but I doubt that we're anywhere close to doing anything like this.

Click here for a larger view - and to check out the cute new State names he's given. Read more!

Annie from "A Basement Affair"

So, I must admit that I have been keeping up with "Frank the Entertainer in a Basement Affair," a show I was certain I'd like the least out of all of the "of love" shows Vh1 has cranked out for the past four years. First of all, I've had the least interest in The Entertainer - I was honestly shocked when I found out that 51 Minds thought he was enough of a draw to merit his own show. But when I found out that his parents - two characters who were first featured on "I Love New York 2" - would be making regular appearances on the show, I figured it all out ... it was the "Sister Patterson" appeal that they were trying to replicate.

In any case, I watched the first episode of "A Basement Affair" as I do with most of the Vh1 shows and was actually quite surprised by how much it drew me in - and not because of the Entertainer specifically, but because of Annie, a character who seemed particularly out of place. I remember seeing her cast photo...:


... and thinking, "Jeez, that girl looks a little too hipster to be on this show." And I was right. On Vh1.com, they've found a bunch of dirt on Annie - but none of it is akin to Jenny's scandelous photo that got her kicked off this last episode. In fact, this "dirt" happens to be really interesting stuff, stemming from her proclamations in the first episode that she likes to create video art (to which The Entertainer responds, "Like, video games?")

First up is her website, Scandalishious, in which she goes by the name "Caroline" and writes feminist movie reviews, dances to music on Youtube in lingerie, and creates music. When I first found out about this, I figured she was another Vh1 girl looking for fame in all the wrong places, but what I found out next was even more intriguing, and far more interesting.

Next up, the Vh1 blog released an article that Annie had written from Bust regarding her time on "A Basement Affair," and how she originally signed up to “to do a wacky performance piece, attempting to play up the ridiculousness that is reality television and the characters it produces, a satire on a genre that is already a satire of itself. I was interested in the way reality television is reproducing female stereotypes at an alarming rate—using ‘real’ people to validate these stereotypes’ existence.”

Whoa, crazy shit! I was totally psyched to read the piece, but it only becomes more interesting from here - Annie says that her mission ended up becoming increasingly unclear as a real development and interest in Frank began to emerge. She says that it became harder and harder to distinguish herself from her "Famewhore" counterparts because of this.

Read the full article here, and enjoy some of Annie's music below:

MY BUTT OFFICIAL VID from caroline b on Vimeo.

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A Zombie's Survival Guide to a Human Takeover

If you think about it, zombies are people, too. They're doing what they've got to do to survive - hunt, kill and eat, just like primitive man did back in the day. It kind of gets me down sometimes, because they get a bad rap - in EVERY ZOMBIE MOVIE. Why hasn't there been a zombie movie yet from the zombie's perspective? I mean, there was that little stint in "Shaun of the Dead" where they pretend to be undead to get past the real deal, but come on - its about as offensive as white actors in blackface.

There has even been literature on how to survive a zombie takeover should it happen. But what about zombies? Where is their survival guide? God knows they need it - they get their sorry asses kicked every time. So, now, its time to step up their game. Zombies reading this - this post is for you!


5. Stick to Easy Prey

I know it would be totally bitchin' to tell the rest of your zombie friends how you singlehandedly took down the ripped fratboy with the chainsaw, but lets be honest - your coordination hasn't been all that great since dying. Staying away from anyone who could outrun you or are packing heat is the rule of thumb here - anyone agile and who looks like they might have a clue is definitely NOT the ideal target.

Instead, stick to those who are probably just as tasty but won't be having you spending the rest of eternity in quarters. Babies. Small children. The cheerleading squad (one-on-one, not as a collective). The guy who broke his legs by jumping out the window. The weaker the target, the more likely it is that you'll be getting fed. And don't worry about your zombie friends say - while they're out getting chopped up by angry zombie-killers, you'll be feeding on fresh granny leg and won't even notice the stringiness.

4. Don't get stuck in the door

The fatal flaw that many zombies fall into is the whole "I'll just break down the door" routine. Sure, it seems like a great idea at the time - first you pound on the door, scaring the living daylights out of the person trapped in the room. Then you start to get aggressive with it, since you feel no more pain and the door doesn't look too strong, anyway. Before you know it, your head and the top half of your torso are through the door, but its nearly impossible to get the rest through, and the little girl on the other side of the door is getting brave ... and she knows how to turn mommy's hairspray and that lighter into a flamethrower.

Try breaking the door down at the hinges, or breaking off the handle. If you try to get through it by squeezing your body through a jagged hole, then you'd might as well tell the would-be victim how to properly kill you so you don't wind up waiting for the end of time in a dustpan. If the door doesn't break down, then consider this - they're going to come out sooner or later. Grab a book, kick back and wait for dinner to be served.

3. If they're in the closet, then they're unarmed

Consider this - putting the deliciousness of the person who ran into the locked room aside, there are other lower-risk places to look for human flesh. Follow the whimpering sounds to the closet doors and you'll be surprised to find that anyone hiding in there is most likely to be armed - or armed very poorly. Anyone hiding in a closet is at the end of their rope - so let them down!

Weapons to consider that they may find in the closet include wire hangers, wooden hangers, shoes or boots - maybe they've even improvised and taken down the rod that is used to hang everything and turned it into a club. They may even have a gun of some kind, but if this is the case, its likely they're either really low on ammunition, or its all for show.

Stay cautious, but for the most part, this is an easy one - bon apetit!

2. New Balance Shoes

For some reason, being undead means that driving a car is out of question. Zombies are more of a fan of the foot-mobile, so having comfortable kicks is essential to being successful in your hunt for brains. New Balance shoes have been revered as the quintessential comfort shoe by the human community, so its time for zombies to take a note and get in on the action.

I can't help but stress how important it is for zombies to have good footwear. Too many times in these movies, I see you hobbling along barefoot or in clunky, heavy boots - its time to take back the night and get into something that'll help you stay ahead of the game - and more agile when it comes to chasing and being chased. Since your ability to get away and to sneak up on unsuspecting prey is the key to your survival, taking this one seriously is absolutely necessary!

1. Don't "lose your head"

Beheading, unlike vampires, does not cause immediate death - instead, it creates a whole new set of inconveniences for one who needs to EAT to survive. Keeping your head on your shoulders is essential to your survival. Yes, its possible to reattach your head once you've lost it, but once it falls off, all it doesn't take much to remove it once again. Humans seem to think that beheading will kill you so its the first thing they go for, so be warned - wear extra protection in that area!

Losing your head can also mean losing your cool, and that's another thing that you need to watch out for. Don't go all postal on a group of kids just because they are taunting you. Chances are, they're luring you into a trap. The best laid plans are the ones in which you are the one in control, and losing it almost guarantees your ultimate demise. Read more!

Blogging to Make Myself a Better Person

I was talking to my co-worker Sean a while back about blogging, and he thinks its narcissistic, which I totally agree with. You are writing about yourself. The things you like. Everything is one-sided, opinion based, and probably not very well-written. No one sees it except yourself, and maybe a handful of good friends who are interested in the same things and probably think similarly, which is why you're probably friends in the first place. Everything is about you and your world. Nothing else sneaks in.

Me, I love reality TV, things that are campy and bizarre, politics (at least, the issues that concern me), and gay things. My blog is focused on just that. I love going onto other people's blogs and admiring pictures or clever ideas. I love seeing what other people have to say and what they think about or dream. And when I read the newspaper, I usually read the Op-Ed section - not because I can't handle hard news, but because I think that what people THINK is just as important as what actually IS. Maybe even more important.

I like blogging because I feel like I get to be myself and like what I want to like without the judgmental looks someone might give you if you say them aloud. And if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to come back. I also like the creativity it affords - I, by nature, am a creative person. I like to create things that weren't before. I like to turn pictures in my head into pictures on paper. Its a freedom that isn't given to people who wait tables to pay their rent. Its the wings that humans have always been jealous of avians for having.

I have been in a slump, its true. I finally admitted that I'm ready for a relationship, I'm ready for an office job, I'm ready for the future. But I feel like I've been left behind, and its really affected my ability to be creative.

Blogging is the easy way to get back onto the horse. I'm ready to start making things. I'm ready to start using my brain again. I'm ready to become the person I know I can be. It just takes a little practice. And, apparently, a little narcissism. Because, after all, you have to like yourself to believe in yourself, and you need to believe in yourself to succeed. Read more!

2009 Reality TV Characters Awards

Right off the bat, I'm going to say that 2009 was a good year for television. On January 1, 2009, I had no desire to even step into New Jersey, nor did I realize that stripping could be such a glamorous lifestyle. When I peeled myself off of Melissa's bed in my hellish, hungover haze that first day in January, I had no idea what rich and satisfying characters would infiltrate my life and plunder countless smiles and WTF face-covering reactions from my soul.

Face-covering reactions, you ask?


Yes, there were plenty of them.

So, without further ado, this is to those selfless characters who gave up their dignity and personal space to make us smile, laugh, grimace, and even make us believe in the power of true love again.

10. Ryan Jenkins

Two Ryans came into my life in 2009 - one in the shape of a neighbor, a friend, and a dance partner, the other in the form of a Canadian millionaire murderer who singlehandedly shattered Megan Hauserman's dreams ... and my dreams of a bangin' I Love Money 3. Ryan Jenkins murdered his estraged ex-wife only weeks after the premiere of Megan Wants a Millionaire, a show in which he not only was a contestant, but supposedly a finalist in.

I have a feeling that because of this tragedy, Vh1 "of love" shows will never be the same again. Because supposedly, Vh1 was supposed to have looked into their crystal ball and seen that this guy, who didn't have much of a criminal record, was going to kill his future ex-wife who he'd meet AFTER the show finished filming. Confused yet? Don't worry, its Vh1's fault.

9. Kate Gosselin

Homegirl cannot get a break. First she got knocked up with twins (yuck). Then she got knocked up again with sextuplets (triple the yuck). Then she let Edward Scissorhands go at it with her weave, which instantly became a hit (for some reason). Then the media and her type-A personality got in between Jon, her husband, and she, and now they're tabloid household names because ... why, exactly? Because she has a uterus that likes breaking up inseminated eggs into pieces? Not sure what the appeal is here, but I'm pretty sure that if you're going to be on reality TV, you'd want your career to take off like hers.

Uh, hello? She's guest-hosted the View. You go, girl.

8. Ryan and Sarah

The Real World: Brooklyn deserves recognition for breaking out of the classic mold that the show has slumped into, despite it being, for the most part, a major snooze-fest. Queerty.com designated it the "gayest Real World ever," what with a closeted Mormon, an ex-lesbian, a tranny, the gay dolphin trainer, a guy with abs that would put the Situation to shame, and a girl obsessed with weaves.

However, it stood out to me because of two characters - Ryan and Sarah. Ryan was the Afghanistan veteran musician writer/resident goofball, with so many facets to his personality that he seemed slightly schizophrenic. Then there was Sarah, the San Franciscan who was cool and collected and always listened - a trait that was not only noticeable but terribly endearing on the first episode when she asked Ryan if he had ever killed anyone.

I would want to be both of these kids friends, any day.

7. Chardonnay

Chardonnay from "For the Love of Ray J" season 1 is probably the only woman on the face of this planet that I would consider being in a relationship with. She's sexy, beautiful, and seems extremely fun. A little high maintenance, yes, but that's something that I'd be willing to work with. She won me over when she did that amazing booty-drop from the top of the strip pole all the way down into a split. Sadly, she was eliminated later on in that episode.

She's way too much for cable television to handle. She definitely belongs on HBO.

6. Theresa

New Jersey was already on the map before Snooki and The Situation hit Seaside Heights. Thanks to Theresa and the rest of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," New Jersey had already become a place where glitz and glamour met gutterbutter. Theresa is not only on my list because of her fabulous hairdo, but also because of the amazing table-lifting antic that was about to occur in the photo above. I must admit, I didn't follow this show as much as I did some of the other shows (see: #5 on this countdown), but this episode was definitely part of the best TV of 2009. My brain is still suffering from it.

5. Kim and Nene

Although I did start to take to Sheree this last season, "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" was made, for the most part, by Kim, Nene and their relationship, which has more bumps in it than Lil Wayne's face. Nene is a fast-talker and knows how to dish out the insults if she even SUSPECTS you might be crossing her, and Kim's weave is the ideal target, being all flashy and out there and shit. And the funny thing is is that there is so much to make fun of Kim for, yet she insists on making herself more ridiculous (don't even get me started on her "music" career).

What's special about these girls is that they are more like computers than they are like real people - instead of reevaluating their mistakes and learning from them, as human beings do, they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again, as though they are incapable of sentient reasoning. What's so amazing about it in the end is that despite the fights being about the same shit, it never ceases to get boring. You go, girls!

4. Derek

Oh, Derek, from "The Real World: Cancun." Never have I felt so close to a reality TV character in my life. Gay Mexican server who likes getting wasted and being a goofball. I think that you could overlap at least two photographs of me with the one above and there would be no noticeable difference. Its like we're kindred spirits. I've allowed myself to let go of my dream of getting onto to Real World because part of me feels as though I already have done it. Thanks, Derek, for taking that hit for the both of us.

3. Snooki and JWow

There would be something severely wrong with this countdown had there been no mention of Snooki and JWow from "Jersey Shore" - like a guidette without a fake tan or a guido without his fist pump. Both of these girls were stars of the show - Snooki for getting punched in the face, and JWow for being a self-proclaimed praying mantis woman ("after I have sex with a guy, I will rip his head off"). Both of the girls had something special to offer, and they gave it to America hard and fast like one of their back-flip inspiring house songs.

Now that they are coming back for season 2, I think its safe to say that they will probably be making next year's list, as well - but they better step their game up to stay fresh!

2. Angelique

French strippers! The "Rock of Love 2" and "Rock of Love Girls: Charm School" alum didn't make it too far on either show, so we never got the chance to fall in love with her the way we did by having her on every episode except the last in "I Love Money 2." She swam, ran, threw, ate, and even French-kissed her way to the top of the game, to make it to sixth place on the highly competitive and extremely cut-throat show, which had her doing what she does best: fighting for money.

I don't know whether it was the Barbie-doll pink in her outfit choices, her indecipherable accent, her undying affection for 20 Pack, her adorable friendship with Buckwild and Saaphyri, or even her penchant for taking off her top, but something about her this time around really got to me. Long live France!

1. The Blontorage

Never has sloppy looked this good. The Blontorage (composed of Ashley, Farrah, Gia, DJ Lady Tribe, and whoever else they got down with who had access to bleach) graced our TV screens early in January, but they were so influential and memorable that they lasted throughout the rest of the year, even coming back for "Charm School 3" to be reformed. But who wants a reformed bad girl when you can have "perrereca" shots, food fights, stripping and belligerent behavior?

Lets not fool ourselves - the Blontorage are not role models. They are a different breed of models - the kind you become when you're really hard up for money and have a better body than you do have a face. But that's why we love them - because they put it out there, owned it, and didn't give a fuck. Now that's inspiring. Read more!

Gay Hipster

Missed u...

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Keyboard Cat VS. Keyboard Dog

Okay, because I'm a dog guy, I'm definitely saying that Keyboard Dog wins. Any other votes?


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Jersey Shore Finale Tonight!

Oh, my God, I'm so excited! Do Snooki and the Situation really hook up? Is Pauly D. finally going to shake Danielle? Is Ronnie going to be released from jail? And if he does, is he going to stick with Sammi? OHMYGODSOMANYQUESTIONS.

Well, in order to rejoice, get your hair gel on, practice that fist pump and take some dancing lessons from Snooki:

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First Update of the Year

Sorry to be so lame lately. I made all this fanfare about "being back" and then I disappear again. Whatever.

I've been job hunting, but it hasn't been going so well. That's actually not true. I haven't been job hunting. I've been on one interview, and I ran into one of the girls who interviewed me last night at "Pink Sock" at Wonderland and she said I wasn't going to get the job. It was a lot less bitchy than that, and she insisted that I wouldn't want to work there, anyway. She said she's trying to get out.

So that's my life. In a nutshell. Sleeping in every day. Gym every day. Getting closer to people at work, which is nice - Lindsay, Dark Lindsey, Jesse ... its been nice. I've been a totally social creature and I'm really enjoying it.

However, soon, I know I'm going to need to get back into my passion. Writing. Being productive. So part of this revamp of my blog has to do more with trying to become more creative overall. We'll see how it goes.

Oh, and I love sharing all the stupid shit I like, so more stuff to clutter up your blogfeed.

Love you! Read more!