Good Times, Bad Times

I've been avoiding the weight scale in my bathroom until today. I finally decided to see what a sloppy pig I've become. I stood there, in my underwear, taking off my glasses and setting them on the side (as though that would make a difference). I looked straight ahead at the wall, afraid of what the scale might say. Finally, it beeped. It was ready to call me fat and offer me a plate of donuts, which I would gladly scarf down.

I pulled my glasses back on, stepped back, and looked down.

167.4 lbs.


The most I've ever weighed my entire life. Since senior year of high school, I've hovered around the 150-155 range. When we got the scale a couple of months back, I was devastated to learn I had gained 7-12 pounds (I weighed in at 162 back in October/November). But really? 12-17 pounds, now? That's a bit much.

I always knew my tranny lifestyle would be my demise. So much partying, booze, cake, food, indulgence - the recent arrival of Manny and Olga's in my neighborhood hasn't helped, either, I'm sure. That, paired with the bad weather which makes it impossible for me to want to trudge to the gym has left me two babies heavier. Gross.

I'm going to Miami next month and really don't want to be the gross fat guy at the beach. I mean, I know I'm far from it, I still look like I'm in shape and healthy, but I don't feel good about it. I need to make some serious life changes to get back on track. I just need to figure out where I can cut out some of my indulgences to really make a difference.

Goodbye, double bacon cheeseburgers and 4am 5-topping pizzas. Hello, Paleolithic diet. Read more!

Letter to My Dad


Its been a long time since we talked. I wanted to talk to you in person and was waiting to reach out to you in Fresno, but since that didn't happen, I suppose I can just put my thoughts and feelings into an email and be done with it.

I am very saddened by your relocation to San Diego. When we had dinner that night at Hunan in July, your news hit me like a bus. I tried to keep a game face, I tried to be happy for you, but something within me felt wrong and I didn't know how to verbalize what I felt. I thought it stupid to do something like get up and leave or say something snarky to you, which my instincts were telling me to do. But the more I mulled it over, the more I realized what had been bothering me.

First and foremost, I can't speak to the loneliness you must have felt the past ten years since your separation from mom. I have witnessed some of it firsthand, but most of the loneliness I saw was watching mom go through it (and continue to go through it).

Over the past few years, mostly since moving to Washington, DC, I felt like I had a good relationship with you. I felt closer to you than I ever have in my entire life, and it was ironic, because we lived so far apart. I really began to feel like I could trust you and like I really had you in my life in a way I never felt. I know Nati felt the same. In fact, Nati felt it so strongly that she decided to move away from Washington, DC, from mom and I and even Jijad, to be closer to you.

When you told us you were moving, it was really disturbing not only because the girl you are now living with (I presume) is so young, but because you did it despite Nati moving back to California to be nearer to you. The past few months have really played a psychological number on Nati and I - especially Nati, but me, as well.

I would be happy for you if you met someone else, but not the way you picked up and left - again. When you left in 2001 you said you did it because something had to change between you and mom, but what you always fail to acknowledge is you left Nati and I, as well. I don't know if you even remember this, but it was only a month and a half after I told you, mom and Nati that I was "questioning" my sexuality. I felt VERY responsible for you leaving. We've never talked about that.

There has been a hole there that I thought we were working on fixing. Now I feel like the last few years have been nothing but a lie. I know Nati feels the same.

I am reaching out to you for no other reason than to demonstrate I care. It saddens me that if Nati and I don't try to reach out to you, you don't reach out to us. It saddens me that you give up so quickly on us. It saddens me that you don't seem to want to fight for us. It saddens me that you have washed your hands of both of us and it doesn't even seem to compute with you that we have no role in your life anymore.

I wish that things were different between us, every day, but I also can't help but feel like this girl you are with is some kind of replacement for Nati and I. I wish you were there on Christmas. I know Nati does, too.

You are always the first to say that we need to stick together because we are a family, but you have seemingly replaced us. And that really sucks. I will only ever have one dad. Christmas this year was very different because you weren't there. Maybe you need to hear that. Maybe Nati and I haven't ever expressed enough to you how needed you are. I'm sorry we haven't shown you enough.

Its only fair that you know why I wasn't speaking to you last fall. I hope you are happy, and I hope you have found a family in that girl that Nati and I, nor anyone else, has been able to give you.

Love, Julian Read more!

Trenz: Elf Boots in Mexico!

This is a hot new look that is all the rage in Mexico right now (pronounced meh-hee-ko in that sentence). They're calling them "las botas mas picudas." Where can I get some?!






Hot! Read more!
I really hate it when dread, the weather, a looming deadline, or anything else makes me wish the future would come more quickly. It usually happens unconsciously, and only identified later on down the road - when you look back in December and wonder where the year went. I'm always waiting for the weekend or for a holiday or vacation or a visit from friends and before I know it, its halfway through the year and I haven't been at my optimal, my most productive. I need to cut that out. I need to remember that every day is a day where anything can be possible.

On that note, things have been good. I FINALLY broke up with Four Loko, the alcoholic and caffeinated beverage my roommate Dana and I have been obsessed with. Over the weekend Davida (who we nicknamed Brittanya) wanted to party Four Loko style with us and brought up the interesting point that the caffeine was removed from them. I checked it out and turns out she's right, which minimized approximately 95% of its appeal to me. Guess its back to whiskey coke and tequila sodas for me.

This week should be an interesting one - over the weekend we're celebrating Light Lindsay's birthday at the St. Regis - probably one of the bougiest birthday celebrations any of my friends have ever had. I'm getting ready to spend a pretty penny on that one, which I'm not too thrilled about. My spending habits have been less than ideal lately.

I guess I am always trying to live life to its fullest and in the moment, especially since realizing how much of 2010 I wished I was elsewhere. Time is running out here in DC and I need to enjoy every part of it - even the bitter cold parts, like the ones I'm experiencing right now. We'll see. Read more!

Ridiculous Interviews = Musical Goldmine?

So, anyone who knows me knows that I have a soft spot for Antoine Dodson (I wrote an entry on him a while back - you can check it out here). However, late last year there was another criminal story covered by yet another television station that also became an Internet sensation. I think they should put Diana and Antoine together and send them on a national tour across the country.

Here is the original clip:

Now, for the remix:

And here is a story on what happened after. So epic! Although the song featured in the follow-up story is not the same as the one I enjoyed, it just goes to show you that 2011 will be a goldmine for auto-tune and the news. Read more!

Now on Twitter: #lessambitiousmovies

I'm not a crazy Twitter person like lots of my friends or anything, but once and a while something comes up that is funny or important that I pay attention to. The first real Twitter event that really turned my head was when Michael Jackson died, and Twitter broke the story (TMZ came in a close second).

My latest Twitter obsession? The hashtag #lessambitiousmovies. People all around the world have jumped onboard, changing the name of a movie only slightly to make it "less ambitious" then its original. Here are a few of my favorites. Go over to Twitter and check it out, if you're interested.










Read more!

Movie Theme Mashups

A few years ago, a song by Muse named "Knights of Cydonia" came out. I heard it on Live105 in San Francisco when I was driving back home after a late night of partying. The song came on, and I found myself rocking out, stepping on the gas and feeling as free as a cowboy riding a horse. The galloping rhythm really played into some kind of psychological fantasy I had always had been never really fostered until that moment, and I was addicted.

That night, I went home, flipped on my computer and looked up the music video online. To this day, it is still one of my favorite videos - cowboys, robots, unicorns, lasers, red-tailed hawks, kung fu - so many of my favorite things in one video. All the convening themes make little to no sense, but their lack of cohesion works for the song and video. You can check it out here if you're interested.

In any case, there are about three movies coming up which also muddle various themes together, and I'm kind of excited for ALL OF THEM. Check out the trailers here.


Cowboys and Aliens

The Warrior's Way

SO excited. Which looks good to you? Or are you skeptical of mashups? Read more!

Commitment Issues

Its no surprise that I haven't been the most committed blogger as of late. Its something I'm gong to really try and work on in 2011 - I've been managing a blog for almost 10 years now, it would be a shame to fall off the map now.

In any case: Happy New Year! Its crazy to think that I've now lived in 4 decades. Without a doubt that makes me sound and feel ancient. My sister is hyper aware of her age and how "old" she is getting (she just turned 26 last month), but I once heard my friend Sophia's mom say that she's proud of her age, and wears it as a badge of accomplishment. Lots of us don't make it to 24, let alone 26.

Things are really good in life right now. I am back at work, getting shit done (present hour excluded). I want to be more assertive and a better leader here, but the only way that is going to happen is if I really focus and prioritize work. I have to admit for the past 8 months its seemed like something marginal, like school always was. But unlike school, I can't skate by with Bs and Cs - I want to ace everything.

New Years resolutions this year are pretty trite - eat healthier, drink less. No more poppers, which was less of a sex drug as it was a party drug at bars with my friends. I want to eat at home more, too, and revert back to my vegetarian roots, at least most of the time. I want to develop my hobbies once again, which includes blogging in the sphere of writing, but also allots space for joining a soccer team, painting, and bike riding through the city. I don't want to limit my social experience to bars anymore, as it has been for about a year and a half. I'm growing old of it and drinking has stopped feeling special. I want to get excited about bars again.

Friendships have never been better. I spent over a week in California and got to spend some quality time with my sister, Melissa, Angela, Nicole and Sophia. I didn't get to see Amar, Sean, Josh, Ingrid or Tyler, which was unfortunate, but the time I would have spent with them probably would have been rushed and marginal, so its probably for the best. Yesterday I had a great brunch with the Linds(a/e)ys and Amaya, which was amazing. My face hurt from laughing. I ended up walking home smiling, with a belly full of food and love.

I'm also seeing a nice boy named Christopher. Its been going frighteningly well, although I'm a little cautious that his attachment to me may be enhanced by his recent arrival here in Washington, DC. I know I need to have a wall up, at least somewhat, but its so easy to just let myself go and enjoy it. Maybe I'll finally master the art of both. We shall see.

In any case, I guess that catches you up. I look forward to writing more in here in 2011, and I hope you join me for the ride. Read more!