Letter to My Dad

Dad:

Its been a long time since we talked. I wanted to talk to you in person and was waiting to reach out to you in Fresno, but since that didn't happen, I suppose I can just put my thoughts and feelings into an email and be done with it.

I am very saddened by your relocation to San Diego. When we had dinner that night at Hunan in July, your news hit me like a bus. I tried to keep a game face, I tried to be happy for you, but something within me felt wrong and I didn't know how to verbalize what I felt. I thought it stupid to do something like get up and leave or say something snarky to you, which my instincts were telling me to do. But the more I mulled it over, the more I realized what had been bothering me.

First and foremost, I can't speak to the loneliness you must have felt the past ten years since your separation from mom. I have witnessed some of it firsthand, but most of the loneliness I saw was watching mom go through it (and continue to go through it).

Over the past few years, mostly since moving to Washington, DC, I felt like I had a good relationship with you. I felt closer to you than I ever have in my entire life, and it was ironic, because we lived so far apart. I really began to feel like I could trust you and like I really had you in my life in a way I never felt. I know Nati felt the same. In fact, Nati felt it so strongly that she decided to move away from Washington, DC, from mom and I and even Jijad, to be closer to you.

When you told us you were moving, it was really disturbing not only because the girl you are now living with (I presume) is so young, but because you did it despite Nati moving back to California to be nearer to you. The past few months have really played a psychological number on Nati and I - especially Nati, but me, as well.

I would be happy for you if you met someone else, but not the way you picked up and left - again. When you left in 2001 you said you did it because something had to change between you and mom, but what you always fail to acknowledge is you left Nati and I, as well. I don't know if you even remember this, but it was only a month and a half after I told you, mom and Nati that I was "questioning" my sexuality. I felt VERY responsible for you leaving. We've never talked about that.

There has been a hole there that I thought we were working on fixing. Now I feel like the last few years have been nothing but a lie. I know Nati feels the same.

I am reaching out to you for no other reason than to demonstrate I care. It saddens me that if Nati and I don't try to reach out to you, you don't reach out to us. It saddens me that you give up so quickly on us. It saddens me that you don't seem to want to fight for us. It saddens me that you have washed your hands of both of us and it doesn't even seem to compute with you that we have no role in your life anymore.

I wish that things were different between us, every day, but I also can't help but feel like this girl you are with is some kind of replacement for Nati and I. I wish you were there on Christmas. I know Nati does, too.

You are always the first to say that we need to stick together because we are a family, but you have seemingly replaced us. And that really sucks. I will only ever have one dad. Christmas this year was very different because you weren't there. Maybe you need to hear that. Maybe Nati and I haven't ever expressed enough to you how needed you are. I'm sorry we haven't shown you enough.

Its only fair that you know why I wasn't speaking to you last fall. I hope you are happy, and I hope you have found a family in that girl that Nati and I, nor anyone else, has been able to give you.

Love, Julian