A Zombie's Survival Guide to a Human Takeover

If you think about it, zombies are people, too. They're doing what they've got to do to survive - hunt, kill and eat, just like primitive man did back in the day. It kind of gets me down sometimes, because they get a bad rap - in EVERY ZOMBIE MOVIE. Why hasn't there been a zombie movie yet from the zombie's perspective? I mean, there was that little stint in "Shaun of the Dead" where they pretend to be undead to get past the real deal, but come on - its about as offensive as white actors in blackface.

There has even been literature on how to survive a zombie takeover should it happen. But what about zombies? Where is their survival guide? God knows they need it - they get their sorry asses kicked every time. So, now, its time to step up their game. Zombies reading this - this post is for you!

A ZOMBIE'S SURVIVAL GUIDE TO A HUMAN TAKEOVER

5. Stick to Easy Prey


I know it would be totally bitchin' to tell the rest of your zombie friends how you singlehandedly took down the ripped fratboy with the chainsaw, but lets be honest - your coordination hasn't been all that great since dying. Staying away from anyone who could outrun you or are packing heat is the rule of thumb here - anyone agile and who looks like they might have a clue is definitely NOT the ideal target.

Instead, stick to those who are probably just as tasty but won't be having you spending the rest of eternity in quarters. Babies. Small children. The cheerleading squad (one-on-one, not as a collective). The guy who broke his legs by jumping out the window. The weaker the target, the more likely it is that you'll be getting fed. And don't worry about your zombie friends say - while they're out getting chopped up by angry zombie-killers, you'll be feeding on fresh granny leg and won't even notice the stringiness.

4. Don't get stuck in the door


The fatal flaw that many zombies fall into is the whole "I'll just break down the door" routine. Sure, it seems like a great idea at the time - first you pound on the door, scaring the living daylights out of the person trapped in the room. Then you start to get aggressive with it, since you feel no more pain and the door doesn't look too strong, anyway. Before you know it, your head and the top half of your torso are through the door, but its nearly impossible to get the rest through, and the little girl on the other side of the door is getting brave ... and she knows how to turn mommy's hairspray and that lighter into a flamethrower.

Try breaking the door down at the hinges, or breaking off the handle. If you try to get through it by squeezing your body through a jagged hole, then you'd might as well tell the would-be victim how to properly kill you so you don't wind up waiting for the end of time in a dustpan. If the door doesn't break down, then consider this - they're going to come out sooner or later. Grab a book, kick back and wait for dinner to be served.

3. If they're in the closet, then they're unarmed


Consider this - putting the deliciousness of the person who ran into the locked room aside, there are other lower-risk places to look for human flesh. Follow the whimpering sounds to the closet doors and you'll be surprised to find that anyone hiding in there is most likely to be armed - or armed very poorly. Anyone hiding in a closet is at the end of their rope - so let them down!

Weapons to consider that they may find in the closet include wire hangers, wooden hangers, shoes or boots - maybe they've even improvised and taken down the rod that is used to hang everything and turned it into a club. They may even have a gun of some kind, but if this is the case, its likely they're either really low on ammunition, or its all for show.

Stay cautious, but for the most part, this is an easy one - bon apetit!

2. New Balance Shoes


For some reason, being undead means that driving a car is out of question. Zombies are more of a fan of the foot-mobile, so having comfortable kicks is essential to being successful in your hunt for brains. New Balance shoes have been revered as the quintessential comfort shoe by the human community, so its time for zombies to take a note and get in on the action.

I can't help but stress how important it is for zombies to have good footwear. Too many times in these movies, I see you hobbling along barefoot or in clunky, heavy boots - its time to take back the night and get into something that'll help you stay ahead of the game - and more agile when it comes to chasing and being chased. Since your ability to get away and to sneak up on unsuspecting prey is the key to your survival, taking this one seriously is absolutely necessary!

1. Don't "lose your head"


Beheading, unlike vampires, does not cause immediate death - instead, it creates a whole new set of inconveniences for one who needs to EAT to survive. Keeping your head on your shoulders is essential to your survival. Yes, its possible to reattach your head once you've lost it, but once it falls off, all it doesn't take much to remove it once again. Humans seem to think that beheading will kill you so its the first thing they go for, so be warned - wear extra protection in that area!

Losing your head can also mean losing your cool, and that's another thing that you need to watch out for. Don't go all postal on a group of kids just because they are taunting you. Chances are, they're luring you into a trap. The best laid plans are the ones in which you are the one in control, and losing it almost guarantees your ultimate demise.