Craigslist: A Series

Its been a while since I did one of these. And since I have an iPhone, I can totally relate. Except for the whole girlfriend part. Or boyfriend part. Or any of this entirely sans the technological bit. Damn.

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Iphone VS Girlfriend
Date: 2009-09-29, 7:49AM EDT

As I type this, my boyfriend is on the couch, napping blissfully, his Iphone nestled to his chest. I remember the distant days when I was the one who nestled there, my head resting lovingly against his shoulder, but apparently because I don't vibrate like a buzz saw every ten minutes to let him know that he's gotten an email from Sears.com with great deals for Fall savings, he's traded up.

I remember when it was my shrill, piercing voice that delighted him, but no more. I've lost my favored status, displaced by a small, rectangular device that beeps incessantly at the most inopportune times - most of which are apparently no longer inopportune! God help me if I should turn to him while he's engrossed in an episode of Two and a Half Men and say, "I forgot to tell you about this lady I saw in the Food Lion today who was wearing hilarious pants!" I would be judiciously shushed! But Iphone gets to say whatever it's thinking any time it wants! Iphone can do no wrong! No matter what he's in the middle of, no moment is too important to be interrupted by a text message from his Iphone letting him know that 90% of American currency has tested positive for trace amounts of cocaine, according to CNN.com.

Should I be providing better content? Were I to turn to him while he's watching TV and say, "MEEEP Thursday's forecast calls for morning clouds with a chance of afternoon thundershowers," would he smile receptively, or nod with interest? I doubt it. I also don't see what's so useful about the real-time updates his Iphone provides on sports games and breaking news, when the information I provide is also in real-time and personalized! Does his precious Iphone nag him when he forgets to give the dog his heartworm medicine? Does it remind him that it's unattractive to drink soda straight from the bottle and then just put it back in the fridge? Does his Iphones angry rattle encourage him to start dinner right away because I'm going to be hungry when I get home?

All right, I know when I'm beat. It's time for me to take this to the next level, before he realizes that when his Iphone never has morning breath, steals the covers, or mocks his love of Entourage. So what do I have to do to win him back? Offer my services for a better monthly rate? Remind him of the convenience of his no-initial-fee, no-obligation contract with me? Ok, maybe there was an initial fee to join me, but I'm sure he'd say it was worth it. Or would he? After all, I can't think of any new features I've added in the last few years, aside from a new haircut, or any upgrades to speak of unless you count going up a pants size. Which I do. Possibly it's time to fight fire with fire - or water. My boyfriend's Iphone does seem to be getting a little smudged, due to his constant, loving caresses and attention. Perhaps it needs a bath. :] Read more!

Craigslist: A Series

Story of my life!

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DC Hot Mess Gay Community - m4m - 99 (DC)
Date: 2009-07-25, 12:48PM EDT

I don't get it. Am I missing something? Why does the ratio of gay douche bag outweigh the non-douche bag gay by 99 to 1 in this town? I have never seen such a large population of insecure self hating gays in my life. There are so many guys in this town who are beautiful, smart, funny and healthy but then it seems they are some how made to feel bad about themselves and become these insecure self hating tools. I hope that some guys will grow a pair and find the security to stop hating themselves and others and just "be". And thank you to the guys out there who are geniuine.

BTW whats up with all the bottoms!? !

Location: DC Read more!

Craigslist: A Series

Sometimes, free stuff on Craigslist just can't get any more sad and disgraceful.

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Free couch, if you can bend time and/or space
Date: 2009-05-25, 3:56PM MDT


I have a free couch for anyone who can get it back out of my room.
It's a comfy couch, cool stripe velvet in great shape, impossibly uncomfortable sleeper, but otherwise easily worth $50-75 bucks in Craigslist land.

So why am I listing in for free? Because I am pretty sure it is physically impossible to remove this thing from my second story bedroom down the narrow hallway, down the narrower staircase and out the front door of my little Victorian duplex. How did we get it up here in the first place? Magic... well, it did involve taking several doors off the hinges, 4 people, and about 3 1/2 hours of cursing the gods. However, I don't feel like doing it all again, and I'm not about to have a stranger (no offense) taking apart my house for a deal on a sofa.

So, if you can bend space and miraculously make this thing fit, such powers shall be awarded with a free couch. Likewise, if you can alter time and go back to when we first bought the monstrosity and prevent us from attempting to bring it upstairs in the first place, you shall also have the honor of owning this couch bestowed on you.

Or if you lack these powers and still really want it, you can have it... in pieces, BYOS (bring your own saw) Read more!

Craigslist: A Series

Because this one is so good, I'll also categorize it under "mmm...yuck!" Enjoy, or rather, bon apetit!

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Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit.
Date: 2009-04-29, 1:39AM EDT


I will pay you $1 USD to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit.

I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this.

I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure.

I will require at least a 5 minutes stay.

A neighbor will watch the front door from across the street and using a supplied stopwatch, will time your entry and departure.

Please supply your own footwear.

The noodles will be cooked, and therefore slippery.

DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.


Location: Pittsburgh, Northside Read more!

Craigslist: A Series

I know I have a tag that is merely "craigslist," but I think this one falls under "mmm...yuck," too.

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Letter to Lindsay Lohan & Samantha Ronson
Date: 2009-02-28, 6:28PM PST


Can Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson Please Make a Sex Tape Before They Break Up?
One night in Paris. Pam & Tommy. Kim Kardashian getting peed on. Screech. Mini-me. We've seen all kindsa celebrity sex tapes, but aside from some non-shocking old porn footage of Dita Von Teese, we have yet to see any celebrity lesbian ones.

Our lonely eyes turn to you, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson.

These two have a hot minute left before Lohan returns to the cock from whence she came. That Chase Crawford thing was a close call. I beseech thee Mrs. Ronson: Get that firecrotch on film!

(You could even produce the soundtrack. Bowm-chicka-bow-bowm.)

Frankly, I'm surprised that a sex tape hasn't turned up already. I mean, we've had so many near misses with Lindsay already: the fake Calum Best cellular blow job, the dirty sanchez from Wilmer Valderrama, the t-bone shoved up her ass by Harry Morton... shall I go on?

Lindsay, the sex tape hungry public will not rest until we are presented with a Young Hollywood Sapphic film fest. Your coy hand-holding and lip-locked pics with Samantha could never satiate our lust for lesbos getting freaky. Show us the clit-grinding, the freckled vagina-fisting, the mutual titty-tweaking we deserve. I dare say, bah-lezbug!

Super seriously guys, the only way for Lindsay to ultimately prove her lesbian love for Samantha is to provide the Internet with a series of labia-licking images so powerful and indelible, no one could ever question her sexuality again. Samantha should think of this video as a prenuptial agreement of sorts: If LiLo truly loved SamRo, she'd just do it.

(And while she's at it, Sam should probably go ahead with those breast implants -- even if she does just duct tape them back down again afterwards.)

As for the content of the sex tape itself, I suggest they film a re-enactment of their "first time". It should take place mere hours before Lindsay's drunken joy ride and subsequent arrest during the Summer of '07.

Scene: The gals slip into the bathroom at a friend's house party. Lindsay snorts a line of blow off of Samantha's arm. Then she sniffs up the remaining coke dust tangled in Samantha's arm hair and looks deep into her little beady brown eyes. Suddenly consumed with a wet 'n wild passion, they tear off each other's clothes and hop into the shower. Using a Pantene bottle as a makeshift double-sided dildo, the girls fiercely bump soaking wet beavers until they simultaneously explode in an epileptic fit of lesbionic quivers. Afterwards, Lindsay accidentally puts on Samantha's pants, and the two argue about who's skinnier.

Roll credits. Read more!

Craigslist: A Series

Definitely creepy. Since when is it okay for professors to crush on students?

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You are almost my student . . . - m4m - 32 (College Park )
Date: 2009-04-02, 10:07PM EDT


You are taking the same class that I teach - but are in another section. I see you 3 times a week though - and have a hard time taking my eyes off you. I love your cute smile, your passionate laugh, and your inquisitive looks at the board. You have 2 earrings, one in each ear. Let me know if you see this and want to chat or hang out sometime . . .

Location: College Park Read more!

Craigslist: A Series

This one will definitely be filed in the bizarre/disgusting file. But hey - desperate times call for desperate measures. I mean, I GUESS the concept is kind of cool... right?

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Conserve Water Urinate Into A 5 Gallon Bucket and Dump Into A Drain
Date: 2009-02-03, 7:06PM PST


Men and women if convenient, to conserve water , we should all be urinating into a 5 gallon bucket. Dump it into a drain. Like a shower drain, tub drain or similar.
You can dump it into the toilet also and the water pressure will force it down
WITHOUT having to flush.
Your choice but we need to conserve water in this critical time.
To make the 5 gallon bucket more confortable for sitting.
Cut a piece of pipe insulation to the length of the circular opening.
Split the insulation down the center and slip over the edge of the bucket.
Thanks for conserving Water.

Location: All Areas
Read more!

Craigslist: A Series

This ad is pretty bizarre, only because I'm not sure if he's entirely serious or joking. Either way, this is some freaky shit! Enjoy.

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I want to have sex in a bathtub full of breakfast cereal - m4w
Date: 2008-12-03, 11:55AM PST


I am looking for a kindred spirit that enjoys, sex, baths, and cereal. So why not try them all at the same time? Now, be warned… I have some very specific stipulations for this fantasy of mine:

1) The cereal must have less than 2 grams of protein per serving. That’s right, the pure sugar stuff kids eat to get roofed like junkies on speed. These can include:

Fruity Pebbles
Count Chocula
Cookie Crisp
Cocoa Pebbles
Cocoa Puffs
Golden Crisps
Honey Smacks
Cap’n Crunch’s Peanut Butter Crunch
Cap’n Crunch
Apple Jacks
Froot Loops
Corn Pops

If you have other suggestions I am more than happy to entertain them.

2) It must be 2% milk, having sex in a bathtub full of cereal is no time for moderation. Plus, I need to get my daily dose of Vitamins A and D.

3) You must be comfortable in the doggie style position. I don’t see any other way to avoid shrinkage and still let you enjoy your cereal before it becomes too mushy.

4) If you insist of photography/videography I will need to insist that I wear a Mexican wrestling mask a la Nacho Libre.

5) I plan on making this a safe encounter to please feel free to bring your own utensils.

After we are finished if you feel like you need something to make you regular again, I should have some Grape-Nuts that you can nibble on. If you are serious, send me a photo, I need to make sure you can fit into the tub.

Location: bathtub Read more!

Craigslist: A Series

I think I would book this under creepy/mmm...yuck. Either way, its a good read. Can you believe some of these things are ACTUALLY real?

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ADORABLE girl in prison seeks male---loves the beach
Date: 2009-01-08, 3:03PM PST


NOTICE: I am not Diana. I am a friend. DO NOT SEND ME PHOTOS for her! I will NOT foward them to her. Send me an email, and I'll mail you her mailing address. She is in prison, and has NO email access! You must snail-mail her!
Diana is 22. The photo was taken when she was 19. She has not changed. She is in prison at a woman's prison in Chowchilla--40 miles north of Fresno. She is from Lancaster. She got 3 years in prison for "carjacking" (i.e. her boyfriend told her to drive the truck after he carjacked a man who owed him money). Her boyfriend got life ("three stikes"). Diana got 3 years.

Diana's parents are both deceased, and her sister died in a car crash. She has nobody in the world when she gets out. She is seeking a HUSBAND, somebody who can visit her while she is still in prison, and to take care of her once she is out of prison. SHE LOVES THE BEACH! She wants to live somewhere where she can go to the beach often; once per week or at least twice per month. Diana is 5'4", 120 pounds. She is bi-sexual, and willing to pick up girls for her husband and share the girl with him if he wishes. She does not smoke. She kicked drugs in prison, and wants to STAY OFF DRUGS forever. She wants at least two kids. Men who are NOT willing to have children, DO NOT RESPOND!

You need to have your own apartment or home. You need to make at least 25K per year. She's not asking for much! YOU CANNOT TAKE DRUGS! Any man who does, she's going to leave immediately.

MARRIAGE ONLY! She is NOT interested in "sex" only. You must be willing to visit her at least once a month until she is released in 15 months. If you wish to write her...send an email with "DIANA" in the subject line.

DO NOT SEND PHOTOS! I will NOT foward them! Read more!

Craigslist: A Series

This one I would definitely categorize in the "word" file of angry, degenerate, meaningless babble. Right there with ya, brother!

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Prenancy Doesn't Make You Divine...
Date: 2009-01-11, 12:40AM PST


Yeah, we get it - You're pregnant. BIG FUCKING DEAL. It's not like you went to school for three years and had to take some excruciating multi-day certification. It's not like you saved a Golden Retriever puppy from getting run over by a bus load of Norwegian tourists. It's not like you cured macular degeneration. YOU SPREAD YOUR LEGS AND TOOK A MAN-MUSTARD INJECTION... Wow. Way to go. I am amazed you made it through such a mentally and physically demanding challenge that probably lasted all of 45 seconds (either natural or lab-grown.)

And now we are suppose to fawn all over you. We are suppose to act like it's so incredibly difficult to get pregnant, and that you are now this pristine chalice of life -Something that deserves to be worshiped and adored.

Feel sick in the mornings? Do your feet hurt cause they are swelling? Gotta buy new clothes because you are 12 weeks along and have already put on 19 pounds? NOT MY PROBLEM. Do your job like you are suppose to and shut the hell up already.

…Oh btw - Quit using your pregnancy as an excuse to stuff your gullet each and every chance you get. When you proudly stand up at the staff party and announce that "The baby wants" an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Super Fudge Chunk, a liter of Dr. Pepper, some curly fries THEN TELL THE BABY TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Now what exactly do I have to look forward to for the next two or three years..? A constant stream of verbal diarrhea such as "little Bobby went to the toilet and pooped all by himself - But he forgot to wipe and then sat on the floor to pull his pants up! It was so precious, but there was poop everywhere!" or “I'm sorry I'm 40 minutes late, you see I have a four-year-old in potty training and we had an accident." or "I don't feel comfortable doing the speed limit, my baby is only two months old - You can go around." FUCK YOU.

Two years after that and now I'm stuck behind you at the concession stand - And guess what? You feel it's important to empower your child. It doesn't matter that there are nine people behind you, you want little Bobby to make his own choice when it comes to artificially flavored processed movie snacks. By God, Bobby is special. He must be because that’s what all the Nike commercials say. There is only one Bobby and he is different from every other person on this earth. He is special by God, and he will be raised knowing he is special. And now, little Bobby has been standing there with his little index finger in his little mouth, staring at all the choices for the last FULL minute. But you aren't the type of parent to acknowledge the fact that many people are waiting for little Bobby to make up his little mind. You don't say something like "Hurry and choose something or I will choose for you" or even better “Other people are waiting, make up your mind” - Not you. Instead, you turn to the sea of humanity that has formed a marginally cohesive line behind you and look at them with an 'I'm sure you all understand' look. FUCK YOU. You are the same people that just can't put their cell phone conversation on hold for 20 seconds while you order your venti no-whip-half-caff almond latte and spinach croissant - Instead you make eye contact with the waiter and raise that index finger. The index finger which happens to be the international signal for 'I am a socially retarded fuckhead.'

One time I saw an interview with Hootie (of the Blowfish), with his wife. It was a lovely 'What does Hootie and his wife do when he's at home and not packing fans into concerts at 20 or 30% of capacity' piece on some lame ass afternoon news biopic show. Anyway Hootie’s wife starts talking about kids and how they are such a miracle and (now she is actually tearing up) and she just can't understand how anyone wouldn't want to have children and HOW SHE JUST FEELS SORRY FOR THOSE PEOPLE. Oh yes honey, feel sorry for us. Obviously we are emotionally fractured because we don't share the same fervent desire to add our particular goo to this world's collective semen cesspool...

I don't hate children. I hate the parents that think they are entitled because they have children...
Read more!

Craigslist: A Series

Sometimes, all I want to read is a little anger. So here - here's a little anger for ya:

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Fine, Don't Fucking Hire Me, You Can't Handle My Shit
Date: 2008-12-02, 10:34PM CST

What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am fucking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Cover Letter? Here's my fucking cover letter!
Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll suck a dick if I have to...that's right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that motherfucker and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO! What'd you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I'll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you're not cool with that? I'll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don't believe me?! Then hire me and I'll fucking show you!

OBJECTIVE
I need a motherfuckin job.

SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop

RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people

GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate.

REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com

Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com


So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.

Sincerely,

Steve Madonna
stevemadonnayeah@gmail.com


remember.....anything. Read more!

Craigslist: a Series (Roadkill)

I don't know whether to repost this here or to send it to my chef at the restaurant I work for, being that we often serve venison. No one knows where it comes from, so this post absolutely speaks to me. Enjoy!

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WANTED: ROADKILL
Date: 2009-01-20, 3:57PM EST


I want your roadkill. Why, might you ask? Simple. I drive around and regularly see 1-2 deer a week on the side of the road, rotting. Since an average deer has about 80-120 pounds of usable venison on it, its a shame that all that meat is wasted. Plus, you can't normally buy venison, so unless you have a hunting friend or hunt yourself (or pay crazy prices at a restaurant), you can never enjoy the lean, tasty meat that is venison.

So, here's my offer. If you happen to hit a deer (or larger animal, although I don't think we have many of those in southern Virginia), you can bring the animal to me, and I'll carve it up for you, and split the meat 50/50. I hunt, and I do my own butchering, so it doesn't take too long for me, and I enjoy it. Since hunting season is now passed, I'd like something to occupy my time, while also filling my freezer.

There are rules though, like anything else in life:
1. It has to be a deer or bigger. I'm not carving up a flat squirrel for you.
2. It must be less than a day old. God only knows what happens to the carcass after a day of sitting there.
3. You have to call the police after your accident. The cops come out and issue you a permit so that you legally own the deer. It's quick, and it keeps it legal (I'm not carving up poached animals, and if you poach, you should rid the world of your sorry existence).
4. You bring the animal to me (I'm in Suffolk), and I do the rest, and call you when its done. If you live in Suffolk, or hit the deer in Suffolk, I could come to you, but I'm not driving to VA Beach at 10 pm at night.
5. I'll cut up the animal and give half the meat to you in sealed bags. I'll even label it, so you'll know what cuts you're getting. You eat it and enjoy!

Of course, you may feel odd eating roadkill. I mean, that's a redneck thing, right? Absolutely untrue. For starters, you're using meat that would normally be wasted, so its good for the environment. Venison is leaner (deer don't sit on big farms eating corn), healthier (no injected hormones here!), and tastier (there is no such thing as "gamey" meat. That's just anti-hunters trying to justify themselves) than beef. Plus, you get it for nothing (except whatever your car insurance deductible is, if you decide to file a claim). All these positive reasons are sure to impress your hippie friends, if you are unfortunate enough to have some.

Drop me an email (I check it all the time, so replies won't take long) when you hit a deer. If you're a police officer and want my phone number (since you probably get calls all the time), you can email me and I'll give you my cell number. If its late, you can always temporarily store the animal at your house and bring it over when I get back to you.

Start enjoying the meat of your unfortunate labors!
Read more!

Craigslist: A Series

So, this is my little segment where I find a funny interesting REAL Craigslist posting and display it for you to smile, laugh, cry or "aww' at. This one won this week - enjoy!

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Fooled around at church on New Year's Eve - m4w
Date: 2009-01-02, 1:55PM PST

You: Very, very, very Drunk.
Me: Very, very, very drunk.

Here's what I remember: We shared a romantic moment on the dance floor. The kind of moment dreams and flowers and bunnies are made of.

***Flash***

We were fooling around like a couple of teenagers in the back room.

***Flash***

We somehow ended up in a private room behind the DJ booth and things heated up to a more adult level.

***Flash***

We realized the room was not so private due to the group of people watching us and possibly taking pictures and video with camera phones.

***Flash***

Alone. With your panties in my pocket. I think you took my hat. Good trade.

***Flash***

Wearing panties on my head, looking for you. For some reason couldn't find you...

Sorry about all the debauchery. I'm not normally so fun. It was New Year's Eve, though and if it makes you feel better, I'm still feeling the hangover. Sigh.

Drop me a line if you wanna actually go out sometime and get to know each other like regular people. I'm actually a pretty nice guy once you take the panties off my head. If not, then thanks for a wild New Year's Eve. I've never had so much fun at church.
Read more!

Craigslist: a series

Although one of my New Years resolutions is to weed out "tranny" from my vocabulary, I still find it incredibly entertaining to see/hear/read/learn about trannies. And this guy uses "transvestite," which is legit, right?

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TO THE SIX-FOOT FOUR TRANSVESTITE - m4w
Date: 2008-11-16, 12:11AM MST


I’ll file this under m4w as a compliment to your cross-dressing skills. Our paths crossed when you went to the voting center a few weeks back, presumably to vote.

You:

-Sporting a miniskirt. Heavy emphasis on "mini." I don't know what you had to do to fold your package in on itself but it was an epic feat (without venturing above the midriff, I might add). I can only imagine it involves a quarter-roll of packing tape and a gram of Vicodin every single day to pull off. Bravo, to you.

- Six-foot four. I can't imagine where one finds a miniskirt for a six-foot four man. Is there some WNBA clothing store I'm not aware of? Do you just tape two of them together and call it a day? Being about your height I know how hard it can be to find good-fitting clothes. For men. You found a miniskirt that you managed to contort into right after you taped your balls to your pelvis.

- The hair. I know, I know. It's hard enough to shave your face. And the fact that you were born a hairy male isn't helping your cause either. The face was shaved, sadly elsewhere was not. But you wore it proud. I'd classify your grooming as "tranny casual." I do think, though, that if you really want to sell people you're going to have to do something about that back hair. Your tank top, despite a heroic effort, was no match.

- The tank top. What’s a boygirl to wear when they go the miniskirt route? You answered definitively by sporting a tank top. Sure, your hair wasn’t deterred by a flimsy women’s garment, but most people probably stopped at the miniskirt, so who’s going to notice, right? I did, buddy. But I think with a good proper razor and some strong discipline, your broad shoulders will finally have the time in the spotlight they so rightfully deserve.

- The button. You had no intention of stopping at a miniskirt and tank top. Normal transvestites, dare I say the majority of them, would have ended it there. Not you, good sirmadam. The “ALPHA FEMALE” button was the icing on your cake. It wasn't a small button, either. Don't worry, if no one had noticed by then that you probably had your package vacuum-sealed to your lower stomach under the miniskirt, then you would’ve been just another tranny walking by. But I tell you that on Election Day, when every man woman and in-between was wearing a button, a thirty-something six-foot four oddly-broad-shouldered individual with a baritone voice wearing a large “ALPHA FEMALE” button really made a statement.

I was very impressed (and nothing more, mind you). Read more!

Craigslist: a series

Well, with everyone trying to lock down their New Years Eve plans, it is no wonder that desperados, in a last ditch effort to score tickets someplace or make BFFs in a matter of a few days would be all over Craigslist. Its an annual occurrence as special as the holiday itself, so read up and laugh away.

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What to do for NYE? (Bay Area...) - m4m
Date: 2008-12-29, 8:25AM PST


i'm going to be alone here by myself this NYE. i'm not really the party type so the club/bar thing doesn't really do much for me. my ideal would be to spend it in an orgy :P and i know that things like that only happens in porn flicks but hey one can dream right?? ok so i realize this is kinda lame but pls just throw me a bone and give me some suggestions and i'll send some karma points your way. cheers! Read more!

Craigslist: a series

My hero! This week's posting of the week was in the m4m section. I usually try to avoid that portion of Craigslist because of its raunchiness and because of the general skankery that happens there, but this post was actually quite cute. This would definitely go in the "aww" category.

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You attacked my mugger! - m4m - 31 (dupont )
Date: 2008-12-15, 9:41PM EST


I can't even begin to thank you! I was being mugged and u ran up and
pulled him off, chased him down and knocked him out! U left me with your dogs
came back, called the police and told them where to find him... You left him unconscience too!
its been several weeks and I can't stop thinking about you. You came back pulled
me to my feet and left in a flash with your dogs. Who are you? I've seen you at jr's
but not in a long time. I would like to thank you! You commented on my accent, tell me where
I'm from so I know its you. Read more!

Craigslist: a series

This week's Craigslist post-of-the-week would not so much fit into the "creepy" category (as last week's post did, but would probably be better suited in the "sexy/yuck" category.

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The girl who took a dump in the Art Institute parking lot! - m4w

Date: 2008-12-03, 11:53PM PST


I mean, come on!

It was like 50 paces to the nearest restroom!

I sat there in my car wondering what the hell you were up to - you spent at least 2 minutes scurrying around your parked car, looking to see if the coast was clear. I thought you were going to, like, break into someone else's car or something. Then I guessed you thought you were "safe" and hurried to the front of your car, near the third level stairwell, dropped your pants, squatted and WENT TO IT!

For Christ's sake, woman! All the time you spent looking out for passing cars so no one would see you crapping like a dog in public, you could have hustled your lazy ass downstairs and into the building and USED THE DAMNED RESTROOM!

Sheesh!

Anyway - if you're free later, drop me a line. I was never more turned on in my life. Read more!

Craigslist: a series

So, every week I'll post a creepy Craigslist post. This one definitely takes the cake. Enjoy!

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Green line to Columbia Heights - m4w - 26 (Columbia Heights Metro)

Date: 2008-11-30, 8:58PM EST


just missed chatting with you on the green line to columbia heights tonight
you were wearing a size S blue benetton argyle sweater (i checked the tag)

as i touched the tag i ever so lightly brushed your porcelain skin
and it was like going to heaven
where my puppies and grandmother play together

hope to talk to you soon! Read more!