Love in Maryland

So, in the wake of my break-up with Rob, I realize that I probably won't get to fall madly in love again while I am at Maryland, or in DC, again. The prospects are dire. It truly has become somewhat of a no-man land. I now can sympathize with all my friends who have had such a hard time, who have had to date their friends and betray their friends by sleeping with their ex's.

I guess that's why I've been able to not drink as much lately, and how I've managed to stay on top of my classes (so far). There really is not anything to distract me. I used to always use my search for love as the distraction of choice, but three (four, if you count Dugaldo) failed relationships really puts it into perspective. The search for love has turned into a complete absence of (romantic) love. The hunt has turned into victimization, as I talked about in a posting here. The rummage and sifting through countless options has turned into a picked-over discount bin.

I guess its only natural that the failure has turned into an ultimate sense of freedom.

When I was younger, I used to think that I was a forest - vibrant with sex and seed throughout the spring and summer; lush, in heat, buzzing and bustling with movement and life. But, like a forest, especially the northern ones that experience the full red of autumn and the real blue of winter, I begin to shut down. Love, relationships, dating all go out the window, until I am as frigid as the unforgiving Canadian Manitoba. I have about as much interest in love as I do in blood pudding. No, thanks!

My relationships as of late have been spring relationships - both Nick and Dugaldo in April. I would even consider my relationship with Dave as being a "spring" relationship - we met in January, but January is plenty more mild than June in San Francisco, and it was on New Years, so it was totally on the symbolic night of "new beginnings." The beginning. The end.

But my relationship with Rob began on November 15, and lasted ten months into the beginning of the fall in September. I thought I had kicked the frigidity, and had taken control of my life.

Maybe things would be different if we broke up in the summer when everyone was in heat. But those nights of wondering are over, and I'm okay with that. All I want to do is get through school, all the way into July next year, and then leave this all behind. I can't wait to leave it behind. By then I'll be ready. By then the prospects will be better, whether in my head or in reality. Not seeking is finding.