Moving Forward

I have done a lot of things, many of which I am not proud of. The list is actually so long, if an average-heighted man was holding it up to his eyes, the bottom would hit the floor.

I am in the middle of a really ridiculous breakup. Not because the guy is out of line, but because I am a fuck up. I'm not sure how things are going to pan out. I want to say that I can see us living happily ever after, because, lets be honest, this was a guy I actually seriously saw myself tying the knot with. Because I am, apparently, a big hoe, that may not happen.

Who was I kidding, thinking I could get away with the same shenanigans I pulled in the past? I mean, if anything, this is a wake-up call to prevent me from messing things up with future boyfriends. But I'm not willing to just give up on Lance. I really, really like him. He was right when he said that the first few weeks with someone should be euphoric newness. Instead, I was getting my last minute jollies in before I settled down. And it fucked me up, good.

I always thought it would be me doing the breaking up. Especially since Dugaldo. I knew I would never let anyone fool me again, the way he fooled me. Speak of the devil, I am currently in at Brainwash, a laundromat restaurant and bar, where a washer is actually called "Dugalho." Coincidence? A scorned ex-lover taking their anger out in a much more clever way than I ever did? Pictures to come.

Anyway, I'm seriously bothered by this. I want to move forward, but I'm not sure how. I get back to Washington DC on July 26th. Lance leaves for Michigan on July 28th or 29th for two weeks. Not enough time to build things back to where they were. I just hope he gives me the opportunity to.

Its the only thing I can think about.


Dugaldo said...

My friend Mike named Dugalho after me, right around the time I was leaving Brainwash to move back to Phoenix. He wasn't a scorned lover so much as a friend with a good sense of humor.

Man Julian, I'll be honest I was looking for a reason to stop reading your blog. But I didn't think you'd actually hurt my feelings. I mean I'm not balling over here or anything, I don't know how to feel really. It just doesn't feel good.

So, when is it going to stop being my fault? "Moving Forward?" For real? Because I'm wondering what I have to do with this break up? This is between you and your man. But somehow how, here I am, trying to defend myself on your blog.

And why do I even read this blog? Because I still care dude. That's why.

I genuinely wonder about you. Like how you're doing in DC. I wonder about your mom. I still secretly hope that Nati doesn't really hate me. Believe it or not I even think about Little Dog every now and then because I have a really cool cat named Mac. And I even sometimes think that one day, you and I will actually be able to be friends. And comment on each other's blogs. But not like this. This just feels ridiculous.

Blame me all you want for that list of yours Julian. I don't care anymore. I wish you all the best buddy.

Julian, the Desaparecido said...

I don't blame you for anything, Dugaldo. You just really affected me, psychologically. And this whole cyberspace blog thing? Although its public, it is personal, as well. If you don't like what I have to say, then I definitely encourage you not to read anymore.

And for the record - I haven't written or thought about you in a long time. It took a washing machine to remind me of you, so don't get too flattered.