Lovely Update

So, since getting back from the west coast, things with Lance have cleared up. We went to Chromeo (AMAZEBALLS, as Lindsay would say) and he kept grabbing me like he forgave me the entire duration of the concert. We went to Wonderland afterwards and it was clear that there was tons of hesitation but we both missed what we had had. I was really surprised when he left with me, and I coaxed him into my house with his gift from California as a bribe.

I bought him his gift at Urban Outfitters in San Francisco, where they had a bay area exclusive t-shirt of a TACO with checkered slip-on Vans, an iPhone, riding a fixed gear. Underneath, it read: THE MISSION. Perfect. I had to explain the shirt to him, but once I told him about it, he loved it. I'd like to think he thought of me as being the taco, and that was the reason he loved it so much. Afterwards, he said he'd like to spend the night.

I cleared off my bed of my suitcase and all the clothes and gifts spewing out of it and we lay on it, facing each other in the soft yellow light. I told him I was sorry, and that my intentions were never to hurt him. I've never been into guys with longer hair (his is eye-length), but I enjoyed brushing it out of my face as we spoke. Lance told me he knew, and that he felt like he had a stronger idea of who I was than to be completely turned off by what had happened. We kissed. It was wonderful, and I woke up with him in my arms. And my "spooky" alarm (his words, not mine) going off at 7:30 AM.

Last night I had a total mental breakdown around 7pm because Lance is going back to Michigan for 2 weeks and I really wanted to see him, but he had to work the dinner shift. I waited around, and finally succumbed to a beer to ease my nerves. I tried to burn off some of my anxiety every way I could - working out, listening to music, a veggie steak and cheese, a beer, watching Terminator: Salvation (which I should review later) - nothing worked. I even considered going out with Steve last night, but he was with a bunch of Heights kids and I wasn't sure if I should go out at risk of seeing Lance and him thinking I was stalking him or something.

As I finished my movie around 11pm, I got a call from Lance, saying he was outside, about to leave for Michigan, and he wanted to say bye. It eased my nerves. I slept like a baby after that.

I haven't acted this way in a long time. What's changed?