Letter to Melissa (Vol. 2)

Melissa -

I'm kind of tired. I kind of hate class. I kind of hate DC (because I can't leave.) I kind of hate SF because I'm not there. I kind of hate SF because you're there and not here. I kind of miss CCSF. I kind of wish it was snowing. I can't wait to see my grandma. I want tamales, Mexican hot chocolate, my tias and their shitty Christmas gifts, my cousins and their kids, the carpet and yawning in the glow of Univision. I don't want to be so dead inside. I don't want to have seen the things I've seen, or have done the things I've done. I'm jealous of so many people. I'm so afraid of so many people. I'm afraid of myself, of my wasted potential. I'm afraid dying. I'm afraid of not living. I'm afraid of losing my family, my friends, you. My sister. Oh, my sister!

I had a dream last night that my mom was pregnant. The only thing I remember was her buying baby formula, and me asking her if she was going to breast feed the baby. She said no. I asked her if she breast-fed Nati and I. She said yes.

We walked out the window and went to the store to buy a loaf of bread.

Love - Julian