2009 Reality TV Characters Awards

Right off the bat, I'm going to say that 2009 was a good year for television. On January 1, 2009, I had no desire to even step into New Jersey, nor did I realize that stripping could be such a glamorous lifestyle. When I peeled myself off of Melissa's bed in my hellish, hungover haze that first day in January, I had no idea what rich and satisfying characters would infiltrate my life and plunder countless smiles and WTF face-covering reactions from my soul.

Face-covering reactions, you ask?



Yes, there were plenty of them.

So, without further ado, this is to those selfless characters who gave up their dignity and personal space to make us smile, laugh, grimace, and even make us believe in the power of true love again.

10. Ryan Jenkins


Two Ryans came into my life in 2009 - one in the shape of a neighbor, a friend, and a dance partner, the other in the form of a Canadian millionaire murderer who singlehandedly shattered Megan Hauserman's dreams ... and my dreams of a bangin' I Love Money 3. Ryan Jenkins murdered his estraged ex-wife only weeks after the premiere of Megan Wants a Millionaire, a show in which he not only was a contestant, but supposedly a finalist in.

I have a feeling that because of this tragedy, Vh1 "of love" shows will never be the same again. Because supposedly, Vh1 was supposed to have looked into their crystal ball and seen that this guy, who didn't have much of a criminal record, was going to kill his future ex-wife who he'd meet AFTER the show finished filming. Confused yet? Don't worry, its Vh1's fault.

9. Kate Gosselin


Homegirl cannot get a break. First she got knocked up with twins (yuck). Then she got knocked up again with sextuplets (triple the yuck). Then she let Edward Scissorhands go at it with her weave, which instantly became a hit (for some reason). Then the media and her type-A personality got in between Jon, her husband, and she, and now they're tabloid household names because ... why, exactly? Because she has a uterus that likes breaking up inseminated eggs into pieces? Not sure what the appeal is here, but I'm pretty sure that if you're going to be on reality TV, you'd want your career to take off like hers.

Uh, hello? She's guest-hosted the View. You go, girl.

8. Ryan and Sarah


The Real World: Brooklyn deserves recognition for breaking out of the classic mold that the show has slumped into, despite it being, for the most part, a major snooze-fest. Queerty.com designated it the "gayest Real World ever," what with a closeted Mormon, an ex-lesbian, a tranny, the gay dolphin trainer, a guy with abs that would put the Situation to shame, and a girl obsessed with weaves.

However, it stood out to me because of two characters - Ryan and Sarah. Ryan was the Afghanistan veteran musician writer/resident goofball, with so many facets to his personality that he seemed slightly schizophrenic. Then there was Sarah, the San Franciscan who was cool and collected and always listened - a trait that was not only noticeable but terribly endearing on the first episode when she asked Ryan if he had ever killed anyone.

I would want to be both of these kids friends, any day.

7. Chardonnay


Chardonnay from "For the Love of Ray J" season 1 is probably the only woman on the face of this planet that I would consider being in a relationship with. She's sexy, beautiful, and seems extremely fun. A little high maintenance, yes, but that's something that I'd be willing to work with. She won me over when she did that amazing booty-drop from the top of the strip pole all the way down into a split. Sadly, she was eliminated later on in that episode.

She's way too much for cable television to handle. She definitely belongs on HBO.

6. Theresa


New Jersey was already on the map before Snooki and The Situation hit Seaside Heights. Thanks to Theresa and the rest of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," New Jersey had already become a place where glitz and glamour met gutterbutter. Theresa is not only on my list because of her fabulous hairdo, but also because of the amazing table-lifting antic that was about to occur in the photo above. I must admit, I didn't follow this show as much as I did some of the other shows (see: #5 on this countdown), but this episode was definitely part of the best TV of 2009. My brain is still suffering from it.

5. Kim and Nene


Although I did start to take to Sheree this last season, "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" was made, for the most part, by Kim, Nene and their relationship, which has more bumps in it than Lil Wayne's face. Nene is a fast-talker and knows how to dish out the insults if she even SUSPECTS you might be crossing her, and Kim's weave is the ideal target, being all flashy and out there and shit. And the funny thing is is that there is so much to make fun of Kim for, yet she insists on making herself more ridiculous (don't even get me started on her "music" career).

What's special about these girls is that they are more like computers than they are like real people - instead of reevaluating their mistakes and learning from them, as human beings do, they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again, as though they are incapable of sentient reasoning. What's so amazing about it in the end is that despite the fights being about the same shit, it never ceases to get boring. You go, girls!

4. Derek


Oh, Derek, from "The Real World: Cancun." Never have I felt so close to a reality TV character in my life. Gay Mexican server who likes getting wasted and being a goofball. I think that you could overlap at least two photographs of me with the one above and there would be no noticeable difference. Its like we're kindred spirits. I've allowed myself to let go of my dream of getting onto to Real World because part of me feels as though I already have done it. Thanks, Derek, for taking that hit for the both of us.

3. Snooki and JWow


There would be something severely wrong with this countdown had there been no mention of Snooki and JWow from "Jersey Shore" - like a guidette without a fake tan or a guido without his fist pump. Both of these girls were stars of the show - Snooki for getting punched in the face, and JWow for being a self-proclaimed praying mantis woman ("after I have sex with a guy, I will rip his head off"). Both of the girls had something special to offer, and they gave it to America hard and fast like one of their back-flip inspiring house songs.

Now that they are coming back for season 2, I think its safe to say that they will probably be making next year's list, as well - but they better step their game up to stay fresh!

2. Angelique


French strippers! The "Rock of Love 2" and "Rock of Love Girls: Charm School" alum didn't make it too far on either show, so we never got the chance to fall in love with her the way we did by having her on every episode except the last in "I Love Money 2." She swam, ran, threw, ate, and even French-kissed her way to the top of the game, to make it to sixth place on the highly competitive and extremely cut-throat show, which had her doing what she does best: fighting for money.

I don't know whether it was the Barbie-doll pink in her outfit choices, her indecipherable accent, her undying affection for 20 Pack, her adorable friendship with Buckwild and Saaphyri, or even her penchant for taking off her top, but something about her this time around really got to me. Long live France!

1. The Blontorage


Never has sloppy looked this good. The Blontorage (composed of Ashley, Farrah, Gia, DJ Lady Tribe, and whoever else they got down with who had access to bleach) graced our TV screens early in January, but they were so influential and memorable that they lasted throughout the rest of the year, even coming back for "Charm School 3" to be reformed. But who wants a reformed bad girl when you can have "perrereca" shots, food fights, stripping and belligerent behavior?

Lets not fool ourselves - the Blontorage are not role models. They are a different breed of models - the kind you become when you're really hard up for money and have a better body than you do have a face. But that's why we love them - because they put it out there, owned it, and didn't give a fuck. Now that's inspiring. Read more!

Train Wreck? Try Bus Crash on Vh1's latest "Rock of Love"

Show: Rock of Love Bus (Rock of Love 3)
Network: Vh1
Premiere Date: January 4, 2009

Whereas the first two seasons of Vh1's "Rock of Love" franchise take place in a house, the newest and final installment of the series puts the girls on two buses traveling across the country. That's right, folks - the varied assortment of strippers and porn stars, no longer confined to a multi-level home in California, are coming to a town near you!

The series opens in Louisville, Kentucky, at a bar called Coyotes, which at once seems both appropriate and prophetic. The girls - ranging from barely legal to "been around the block" (or around the pole) - seem to be as enthusiastic about silicone as they are about Bret Michaels, jumping up and down on an assortment of dominatrix boots and plastic heels when he enters the room.

It's not "The Bachelor" and its not speed dating at the Ritz, but what a viewer must realize is that the fun and the entertainment value lies in the fact that the girls are from the shallowest end of the gene pool. Take Nikki, for example, who eliminates herself when she decides to recite rap lyrics to Bret off of fact sheets for gonorrhea and genital herpes. That, paired with her redefinition of the tequila "body shot," made her a memorable character, made it good television, and almost makes it hard to watch. Like a train wreck - like a bus crash!

Would I recommend watching it? Absolutely. Although, at certain times, it may cause nausea, irritated skin, grimacing and the familiar feeling of guilt that comes with watching shows such as "Cops" and "Jerry Springer," "Rock of Love Bus" is something akin to a petri dish experiment, or a children's sea monkey's starter kit - just add tequila, and watch to see what happens!

Read more!

The Real World: Brooklyn Premiere

Although Queerty.com has already dubbed "The Real World: Brooklyn" the "gayest Real World ... ever", I couldn't help but write my own review, despite wanting to say very similar things. So, going from left to right using the picture above, I"ll give a brief summary of what I think about each character (and there are eight this season, which seemed to be a much bigger deal to everyone on the show than anyone watching it, so ... ):

Devyn:

She seems like the perfect mixture of sugar and spice - not overly sweet, not overly bitchy. Seems like a good addition to the cast (especially since she is a little thicker, and one of two ETHNIC minorities this season.) They didn't give her too much camera time, though, so I'm interested in finding out more about her throughout the season. Chet, in the inane after-show, said something about her having chest hair, but that remains to be seen.

JD:

According to certain sources, this is one of Anderson Cooper's ex's, and although wishful thinking (mostly, on my part) want this to be true, I'll just stick to the episode to really judge. A cetacean trainer, JD seems like a good enough guy with a troubled past. He creates a calm and mature atmosphere which is checked by an almost arrogant, judgmental attitude towards other people. In one scene in the trailer he blows up at Sarah (see below), so it'll be interesting to see how his temper reflects how calm and mature he REALLY is.

Sarah:

So far, I like Sarah. She's from San Francisco, so major prop points there. She also seems genuinely interested in people's stories and getting to know her roommates, which is also really cool. The one thing I do have a slight problem with is the fact that Sarah dated women exclusively until she met her present boyfriend, who she said was "the one." I don't know many lesbians who suddenly decide to switch over to men, and I feel like she kind of gives lesbians a bad name. However, she did not disclose how many lesbian relationships she had, or even if she really considered herself a lesbian, so I suppose I can let it slide ... for now!

Katelyn:

One of the more intriguing characters on the cast, Katelyn is the first transsexual cast-member of the Real World series. It took twenty-one seasons, but I guess later is better than never. Apparently, she went onto the show only three weeks after "the operation," which is impressive, especially considering she waltzes around in pink booty shorts for a good portion of the premiere episode. I say: more power to her, and I commend her for being brave enough to be the first transsexual face for many people.

Scott:

Scott made such a huge impression on me, I had to look up his name on mtv.com. Not a good sign. He was on the cover of Men's Health. Got some award for having the best abs on the east coast. Blah blah. Boring.

Baya:

Another one of my least favorites. I found myself thinking about Jack-o-Lanterns every time she smiled because of her horrific teeth. Lets not forget: I am the founding member of "1,000,000 Strong Against Michael Phelps' Teeth." Baya seems sweet enough, though - and she's apparently an aspiring hip-hop dancer, which is pretty cool. And she's about one inch from being considered a "little person." Anyway. Boring.

Chet:

The token Mormon of the season, I think queerty.com said it best when they said that Chet comes across as a "twink bottom on the way to Boysroom." In the premiere, he says that one of his goals is to have "the most original outfit," yet he wears American Apparel and customizes his clothing by sewing on pink embellishments. Not that original. I think he'll definitely learn a lot from his roommates, and, maybe, by living in Brooklyn, will learn to be a little more original in his dress. After all, linen scarves are so 2007.

Ryan:

Probably my favorite cast-mate this season, Ryan is not only an Iraq veteran, but an artist. He sings very well, plays the guitar even better, and has written a biology textbook-sized epic novel about his experiences in the war. He seems like one of the most dynamic and complicated characters not only on the season but of all Real World history, and I look forward to seeing him in future episodes. He pissed me off several times by trying to "figure people out" immediately, AKA trying to figure out if they were straight or gay (or trannies), but I feel as though he has lots of potential to grow and become truly extraordinary.


So that's my review! Check it out, looks like it'll be a good season after all. Read more!